Sunday, December 9, 2012

Keep ourselves guessing

Tomorrow I begin a new and exciting adventure.  Well, I'm not sure how adventurous you would consider it, or even exciting, new is subjective as well.  But, for me, it is a change and will require a different set of disciplines, a new routine, and restructuring of my schedule.

I am a fairly new nurse, graduated with my BSN in December 2009.  A mature student when I began my endeavor, I had a very specific goal in mind.  I wanted to be a long term home care private nurse for hospice patients.

I had worked for years in customer service, administrative, and sales and was very used to and comfortable with an office environment.  It was safe, it was fairly predictable, it was boring!  I was coasting.  I usually liked to move around fairly frequently, every few years or so.  It held extreme boredom at bay temporarily, kept my income on an upward path, and I gained new experiences to add to the resume with each move I made.

After I lost my granddad in 2003, I felt like I was walking around in a daze for a while, I was mad at everyone.  My outward anger was simply misdirected at others when, in fact, I was very unhappy with my current state and felt as if it were really time for a big change.  It gave me a jolt that I needed to look deeply inside and ask myself what I was doing, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go.

I gave my notice and went back to school part time.  When I ran out of money I took a part time job with the understanding that I would be able to go to school as well and they would work with me.  This did not pan out so well however, and I just left.  I had had enough.

I had no savings, I had no checking, no retirement, no readily available cash, and no job.  But I was driven, I knew it was time for a big change.  I would spend hours in the woods walking with my dog, searching myself, trying to zero in on what it was I needed to be doing.  I had changed my major several times over the years and felt as if everything in my life to this point had brought me to where I was right now, where I needed to be.

Before I even knew there was such a thing, I had been drawn to people nearing the end of their lives, and to those who were losing their loved ones.  I felt a need to help them make sense of it, help them through the transition, help loved ones make peace etc.  It was a comfortable role for me and I was good at it. Once I learned it was a real thing, a real career I could work toward, I was off and running.  I was going to go to nursing school!  I was going to be a hospice nurse!

People and events were periodically placed in my path that provided exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it.  I applied to nursing school and made up my mind this was it!  'What if you aren't accepted?', people would ask.  It wasn't even something I would consider, it wasn't part of my plan, it wasn't even an option.  'Don't you want to have a back-up plan?', Again, not even a consideration or something I worried about, this was going to happen, I knew it!

I was accepted! I still remember the day I received that acceptance packet in the mail!  Such an exciting moment!!  Accepted, attended, made friends, learned lots, graduated, passed my NCLEX, got my license, got a job.  That last sentence could fill a book or two, so was greatly condensed.

Me and the very proud Mom!
I began my career in a hospital because that's what you do.  After going to school and doing clinicals for so long, it becomes the ultimate goal, the security, benefits, comfort levels etc.  I did this for a few months and left for a career in home care nursing.  I loved it and it loved me!  This was why I had gone to school and where I should have been.  I was not working with hospice patients by label, but very ill people that were in great need of care and their families as well.

I've been doing this for over two years now and recently, have been approached by another company and offered a position in a non-clinical environment for a nine month period and can return to where I am now if I choose.  I have become comfortable where I am in life, gotten in to a routine, become lazy in certain areas, and not challenging myself in others.

And while, like most people, I drag my feet kicking and screaming through changes, I also become excited about it at some point and truly thrive on it.  I look forward to new disciplines, the unpredictabilitiy of it all, the excitement of a new day, not knowing where I will be this time next year.

Just like it is with our pets, we require some routines for stability, but it is also important there is a good amount of unpredictability to give us something to look forward to each day.  Something to keep ourselves guessing!

No comments:

Post a Comment